I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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