so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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