My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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