2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize