Where is the hickey?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
