Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
