I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize