I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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