Plan B is the new Plan A
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
