I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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