I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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