i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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