Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
