Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
