I will die if light touches me.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
