Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
