just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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