you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
