Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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