Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
