she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
