I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
