I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
