did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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