he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
two words...techno handjob
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
