about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
