checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
