Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
