Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you made out with another girl for some wings
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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