Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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