Just fell off a train. Bad.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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