If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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