During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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