I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize