why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
