Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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