just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
