arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
