This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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