The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
