If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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