sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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