At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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