Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
