You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
