what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize