im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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