We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Four minutes until I can fart!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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