I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
My day in three words: secret purse cake
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
