I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The feeling are messing with the penis
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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