I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
