Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
