drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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