i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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