I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
