i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
