Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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