What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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