he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
