Don't make out with my wife yet
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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